Eagles Nest BBS 5/Eagles_Nest_Mac_Collection_Disc_5.TOAST/Other Non-Macintosh Text/HUMOR01-10/hum007

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Date:         Fri, 4 Mar 1994 06:52:11 -0500
From: BITNET list server at UGA (1.7f) <[e-mail]>
Subject:      File: "HUMOR LOG00006"
To: Jack Zibert <[e-mail]>

Humor006
========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 07:36:26 CDT
From:         Jack Moore <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Koresh

  Know what those little flags said that were placed where the bodies were
found in the aftermath of the Davidian Compound fire?
  Medium, rare, medium rare, well done...
  (thank you, thank you)
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 08:47:30 EST
From:         ADKO000 Kathleen Olivier - Computer Center
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      Another Priest Joke (PG-13)

It just so happened that Fr. O'Malley took his blacks to the dry
cleaners every Wedneday on his day off so they'd be clean before
the weekend (for non-Catholics "blacks" refer to the black clothing
-- complete with white collar -- priests are usually seen wearing
when not in full vestments during mass).  One spring Wednesday he
decided it was nice enough outside to walk to the cleaners.  On the
way home he came across a scantily clad woman standing on a street
corner and was astounded to hear her say "Quickie, ten bucks!" as
he passed.  He wasn't quite sure what she meant so he simply blessed
her and went on his way.

Well a week or two later Fr. O'Malley again decided to walk to the
cleaners and on his way home he encountered another similarly
dressed woman leaning against a run down motel on Main street.  He
was again quite surprised to hear her whisper "Quickie, ten dollars!"
as he walked by.  Not understanding what this "Quickie" thing meant,
he blessed her and continued on home.

Now as Fr. O'Malley neared the rectory he passed directly in front
of the convent and decided maybe the nuns could help explain things
to him.  After all, they spent more time in the community than he
did.  So he rang the bell and when the Mother Superior answered he
asked, "Please, can you tell me, what's a quickie?"  And she
replied "Ten bucks, same as downtown!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 13:53:36 BST
From:         Mike Ellwood <[e-mail]>

(in England, Blonde jokes have temporarily been replaced by
 "Essex Girl" jokes): Why does an Essex Girl have "C & A" written on
her knickers? - So she knows which way round to wear them.
-
Doctor Doctor, I think I need glasses - "You certainly do, this is a
hamburger stand/chip shop/church/whorehouse/etc/.."
-
"I'm going to fetch a doctor; I don't like the look of my wife" -
"Hold on, I'll come with you - I can't stand the sight of mine!"
-
(Sign in busy office: I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT (which way did you come
in?)
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 09:48:30 EDT
From:         "Timothy P. Stammers"
<[e-mail]>
Subject:      gynecologist

After being instructed to remove her clothing, put on a johnny and get onto
the exam table with her feet in the stirrups, the rather large lady did so.
When the doctor got down there for the exam, he exclaimed, "Wow, that's a big

vagina!  Wow, that's a big vagina!"   The embarassed woman said, "Well, you
don't have to say it twice".  And the doctor said, "I didn't!"
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 15:48:00 +0300
From:         Robert Werman <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Dreams ain't worth much

More proof that dreams aint worth too much derives
from the latest revelations in the newly discovered
Jesse Jame diary, written as a boy.

Although he clearly dreamed that he would grow up to
wear a mask and rob people when he grew up, he never
did become a surgeon.

So much for dreams!

__Bob Werman    [e-mail]    [e-mail]
Jerusalem
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 11:42:08 -0400
From:         "SARAH M. LIBERMAN" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rabbi and Priest Joke

There's this rabbi and priest and they're really good friends.  One day
they're hanging out together, and the Priest says,

"Rabbi, I know it's a sin in the Jewish religion to eat ham, but tell me,
haven't you *just once* let your curiosity get the best of you and tried a
piece?"

The Rabbi, ashamed, looks down at the floor and says, "Yes, Father, I did
Sin; I've tried ham."

"Tell me, Rabbi, since you've tried it, how did you like it?"
"Well, it wasn't that bad!  It was pretty good actually."

So, they are chuckling about this, when the Rabbi says, "Father, I know
that sex is forbidden for you, but tell  me - haven't you tried sex
once?  Be honest."

The Father looks down at the floor ashamed.  "Well, Rabbi, yes, I did
break the sacred vow and have sex."

The Rabbi perks up and says, "It's a hell of a lot better than ham, isn't
it!"

Hope you got a chuckle out of it.

Sarah *smile*
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 12:08:28 EDT
From:         "Robert J. Ladd" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      rabbi, priest, monk.....

a barber is sitting around in his shop and a monk walks into the shop.  the
barber cuts the monk's hair and as the monk offers payment, the barber says,
"no sir, i can not take your money.  you are a man of the cloth!"
the monk replies,"you are agracious gentleman

gracious gentleman!"
so the next morning, the barber finds a dozen strands of beads on his doorstep.
later that day, a priest walks in and needs his hair cut too.  the barber does
so and as the priest brings his wallet out the barber relpies the same to the
priest as he did the monk.  the priest says,  "may God bless you my child!"
the next morning, there are a dozen Bibles waiting for the barber on his
doorstep.
later that day, a rabbi walks in and needs his hair chopped as well, so the
barber does so and as the rabbi pulls out the pouch of money the barber refuses
to take the money as has done before.  the rabbi replies," oy vey, you sir are a

fine young man!  you should be comended!"
so the next morning, what does the barber see at his doorstep?
a dozen rabbis waiting to get their haircuts!

        a. success
        robert j. ladd

p.s. the author is a jew himself!
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 12:40:23 EDT
From:         "John B. Harlow" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Janos in St. Tropez

Janos decides to take a vacation in the south of France with the money he
has been able to save as a result of economic liberalization in the Eastern
European country in which he resides.

It is a beautiful blue skyed day when Janos arrives in St. Tropez, and
being the wild and crazy guy that he is, he decides to head for the beach
to look for "foxes".

As Janos struts down the beach in his brown shorts, white T-shirt, black
socks and street shoes, he approaches every topless "fox" he sees, only to
be met by laughter and derision.

At the end of the beach he comes upon a frenchman on a blanket with two
beautiful naked blondes plying his body with suntan oil.  Disappointed and
dejected, Janos inquires of the frenchman as to the secret of his success.
The frenchman offers the following advice:

"First, Monsieur, you must sleeek your hair back like zeese in a coiffure.
Secondly you must purchase zee tiniest mono-kini and thirdly, you must take
the beeggest potato you can find and place it in the mono-kini.  It drive
zem crazee"

The next day, Janos, coiffured and mono-kinied (equipped with potato),
struts down the beach and is met with even greater laughter and deirsion by
the local talent.  When he gets to the end of the beach, he comes upon his
sartorial advisor from the previous day, on a blanket with two beautiful
naked red heads spreading oil on his body.

Now desperate, Janos rushes over to the blanket and demands an explanation
for his lack of success.  The french man observes as follows:

"Your coiffure, eet eez magnifique,  your mono-kini eet eez miniscule, and
zee potato eet eez ... formidable.  Zere eez only one zing, Monsieur ...



You must put zee potato in zee front of zee suit"
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 13:15:36 EDT
From:         "Mr. Mark G. La Croix, Jr." <[e-mail]>
Subject:      More Top Ten <sex content?>

Top 10 Irish Expressions for Sex
---------------------------------
10.  Peeling the potato
 9.  Mowing the clover
 8.  Watching the soda bread rise
 7.  Getting Shille-Laid
 6.  Cleaning the bagpipes
 5.  Tenderizing the corn beef
 4.  Oh Danny boy--oh-boy-oh-boy!
 3.  Flying Aer Linguis
 2.  Kissing a Kennedy
 1.  O'Humping
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 15:36:00 -0500
From:         Eric Schmidt <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: help with Red Baron joke

    My First Humor posting...I'm so proud!

        A dashing young RAF officer was bragging to two young nurses in
    England during W.W.II as a young American pilot stood by.
        "And yesterday ladies, I downed my sixth German focker. The last
    one gave me a real fight. The focker would roll left and the focker
    would roll right, but I still managed to send him into the channel in
    flames." the young Leftenant bragged.
        The ladies seemed taken aback by the young man's casual use of
    vulgarity. So the American, seeing a chance to make points with the
    ladies, spoke up and said, "Ladies, let me explain something about the
    way we pilots talk. We use nick-names for everything, and one of the
    types of German planes we see every day is made by a company called
    Focke-Wulf. So, we call them Fockers for short."
        The nurses seemed relieved untill the young Brit said, "Yeah, but
    these fockers were Messerschmidts".

    ...Man that's old...

    Eric Schmidt
    [e-mail]
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 16:25:50 -0400
From:         Sharon Rondeau <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Rodney King Jokes

Q. What is the Spanish word for Rodney King?
A. Pinata.

Rodney King was taking a vocabulary test. At the question, "What is a baton?"
he answered, "Beats the hell out of me."
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 17:09:00 EDT
From:         John Abraham <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Re: Wendy (NC-17)

Hey neat joke with that WELCOME TO JAMICA HAVE A NICE DAY
............STEREO typing huumm .... hey i am laughing any way
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 17:29:43 -0400
From:         Johanna TUNON <[e-mail]>
Subject:      [BUBBA-L:1350] Bubba Bashing (fwd)

A message from the Bubba Forum -- for people interested in the South:

A document has been circulating in these parts in the guise of Bill
Clinton's Medical Dictionary.  The guy who sends it out has been described
as being to the right of Atilla the Hun.  There may be something to some of
this as far as "Bubba's Medical Dictionary" goes, but I take exception to
the  attempted swipe at President Bubba, who, as it has been firmly proven
in the proceedings of this list, is not really a Bubba anyway.  I repeat
only the less offensive entries

Artery          The study of painting
Bacteria        The back door of the cafeteria
Barium          What doctors do when the patients die
Caesarean Section       A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan        Looking for Socks
Cauterize       Made eye contact with her
Dilate             Live long
Hangnail        Coathook
Impotent        Distingquished and well known
Labor pain      getting hurt at work
Morbid           A higher offer
Nitrates          Cheaper than day rates
Node              Was aware of
Papsmear        A paternity test
Pelvis              A cousin to Elvis
Postoperative   Mail carrier
Recovery Room   A place to do upholstery
Seizure           A Roman emperor
Terminal Illness        Getting sick at the airport
Tumor             An additional pair
Urine              Opposite of you're out
Varicose          Nearby
Vein                Conceited

    --  F. Clark Williams, jr.
        Vanderbilt University
        [e-mail]
        615/322-7120
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 22:07:49 EST
From:         Tommy Hughes <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Photo journalism joke

   A recently graduated Columbia U journalism major was applying for
a job as a photographer at the New York Times.  A managing editor asked
the young person, "You have the choice of saving a drowning child or tak-
ing a Pulitzer Prize winning photo ... what type of film would you use?
==========
Date:         Tue, 27 Apr 1993 22:54:55 EDT
From:         Bill Edwards <[e-mail]>
Subject:      New age Q&A <=>n

Q. I recently noticed a bumper sticker that said, "Christ is the
Answer." Can you please tell me, what was the question?

A. Yes.  The question was, "What was Jesus' last name?" Don't you
ever watch Jeopardy?

---

Q. As instructed, I am seeking first the Kingdom of Heaven.  But as
I've looked through the New Dictionary of Thought, all I've found
is the animal kingdom and the United Kingdom.  Do you have any
suggestions?

A. Yes. <=>

---

Q. I read recently that a prominent television evangelist has said
it's okay to believe in angels.  From you vantage point on inner
peace, can you comment on this?

A. The angels still aren't sure whether it's okay to believe in
prominent television evangelists.

---

Q. You claim to be so hip and to have so much knowledge from
groovin' through the spiritual planes.  So what is the Age of
Aquarius?

A. She is seventeen.

---

Q. I find I have trouble relaxing enough to meditate, so I've taken
to drinking a few rounds of Scotch to calm me down.  After doing
so, I find I'm able to see many bright colors, and I receive
strange messages.  My problem is, I can't tell if these are coming
from my high self or my low self.  What do you think?

A. After that much booze, your low self is your high self.

---

Q. Is it true that we were all born in Sin?

A. No. I myself was born in Alabama.

---

Q. Please go back in time and answer this question for me:  Which
came first, the chicken or the egg?

A. Well, it depends on how far back you go.  After you asked I went
all the way back to yesterday, and can tell you without a doubt
that the egg came first--scrambled, followed by the chicken--
broiled.

---

Q. When does life begin?

A. If you had asked me "when did life begin?" or "when will life
end?" you would believe me when I told you we will never know.
Only a ignoramus would says he knows something which he does not
know.  Why do you ask me that question?

---

Q. When a person dies, people refer to them as the "late."  What
are they late for?

A. Everything.

==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Apr 1993 07:54:11 -0400
From:         Julie Mangin <[e-mail]>
Subject:      I got a punchline...who's got the joke?

What is the set up for the following punchline?

"...Little Red Riding Hood said, 'Oh, no you're not, you're going to eat
me like it says in the book!'"
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Apr 1993 08:29:33 -0400
From:         "William A. Reitwiesner" <[e-mail]>
Subject:      David Koresh jokes

Why are there more David Koresh jokes than Jonestown jokes?
Because with Jonestown, the punch lines were too long.
==========
Date:         Wed, 28 Apr 1993 08:35:17 -0300
From:         Amy Ward <[e-mail]>
Subject:      Top Ten Dirty Joke Punchlines

Top Ten Punch Lines to Dirty Jokes

10. It took me a fortnight to ge